“I heard my tear hit the pillow before I even realized I was crying”.

 

I read that comment the other day and thought how perfectly it resonated with me.

 

My Dad passed over 7 years ago and although they say it gets easier over time, I don’t believe that to be true.  I think we learn how to handle our grief in whatever way we can, but I don’t believe that the pain and emptiness ever really gets better.

 

We each eventually find that “place”.  It’s almost a safe haven, where you go and connect to your loved one in spirit.  It might be a walk along the beach, fishing on the edge of a stream or even quietly walking through the woods.  Nature is a great connector to the other side as you become closer to God and the spirit world when we ground ourselves in Gods beauty of “mother earth”.

 

Some of us find solitude in a church, some in the presence of children and even more often, there are those of us who find it with our animals.  Spending time walking or playing with your dog, or riding a horse, can be therapeutic for many.  It’s in their innocence that brings us closer to God and those in Spirit. Those who do not have animals or pets may not understand this relationship.  But the one thing about the comfort of an animal is that they know when you are sad.  They know when you are crying.  They sense your pain, and they don’t make you talk about it.  You don’t have to explain why you feel the way you do or why you are having a bad day.  You don’t have express yourself.  You can just be.

 

And then one day, it happens.  That precious animal dies.  Now you are left not only grieving the loss of your loved one, but that one place where you able to escape the sadness and pain for even just a moment, is gone and you are left with another horrible blow to your heart.

 

I happen to know this one first hand.  7 months after losing my Dad, our dog passed away.  I was so angry at God.  How could he take away the one thing that allowed me to let go and forget about my pain. Not only was it the fact that my dog died, it was the circumstances around it.   After taking my Dad away, how could he now take my dog?  I loved them both so much and I needed them in my life.  We weren’t done.

I cursed at God and in my despair, wondered why he would hurt me in such a way. What did I do wrong?  Why did he think I deserved this?  Why now?

 

That wound is still bleeding. I still don’t like to talk about it.

 

There are days like today when for no specific reason, the tears begin to fall again.

I think it has something to do with the time of year.  Missing my Dad and Grandmother even more at the holidays and this week is the anniversary of the loss of our dog.

 

I was on my way to the store the other day. It’s a short distance so I barely have time to listen to an entire song on the radio, but I wasn’t really paying attention to it as I was focused on what I needed to grab at the market and the list of all the things I needed to get done before dinner.  When I parked at the market, I did my usual quick check in the mirror, only to find my face was wet.  The tears had been streaming down without my even realizing it.

 

It’s always there.  That pain.

 

I miss my Dad.  I miss my Dog.  And even though they still come visit me, usually together, it’s not the same.  I miss their physical presence.  I miss the soft fur of my dog’s ears when I kissed him each day.  I miss my Dads strength, both physical and character.  I miss the fact that I could go to my Dad about anything and always get the correct answer.  He saw things from a bigger and better perspective and I miss hearing his opinions and suggestions.  I miss his sense of humor and his silly jokes and sayings and that look on his face when he would get all fired up about something. 

I just miss “him”.  I miss “them”.